Every day is winter when you have a heart as frigid as mine. “Cold as ice” is the way I prefer it. All frozen away from everything. It’s the only true way to protect yourself. There was a time when I wasn’t that way. But it was almost the death of me. When you let ppl in, you let in the potential to hurt. & boy did I hurt. I never wanna go back to that life again. Sure, I might be alone at nite wishing with all of my soul that I had someone to connect to. But with no one there, there’s no one to leave me. I’ll just die an old spinster that threw out feelings like a used tissue. Or die because underneath all the ice, my heart is broken.
I’m a terrible person. There- I admitted it. I haven’t appreciated you the way you deserve. You’re one of the best things in my life & I don’t treat you right. I make you feel like shit. & now- that makes me feel like shit. I never wanted to hurt you. But we ended up hurting each other. I get mad & say things that I don’t mean. I refuse to let you go though. A day without you wouldn’t feel right. Talking to you makes me feel alive. I love you more than I should. But I can’t help myself. With you- I feel right. All I can do is say I’m sorry. I’d say it a thousand times if it’d stop you from leaving. I’ll do whatever it takes. You’re worth changing for.
You & I have something they could write a movie about. We have a history worthy of being played out on the big screen. A tale of 2 star-crossed young lovers with the world against them, but the determination to intertwine. Cheesy, right? But you love that. The dramatic intense passion is what you live for. It makes you feel alive. I’m your reason for waking up in the morning. The reason you go to sleep with a smile on your face at nite. & I like it like that. I like knowing that you’re always there to count on. It’s how it should be forever.
I miss you. Short & simple. Pure. Or rather- I miss who you were. I miss what “we” were. I miss texting you at all hrs of the nite because you were the only one still awake & the only one I still wanted to talk to. I miss hanging out with you. Doing absolutely nothing, but still having the best time. Not talking to you seems to grow harder every day. But you’re not the same. You don’t miss me the way I miss you. & it makes me sad. I grow more sad every day. Every person that comes into your life & makes a significant impact walks away with a piece of you when they leave. I didn’t want you to have such a big piece, but there was no way to stop it. I tried my best to fix things. But there’s only so many times I can say the same words over & over & get the same hollow response back without finally giving in. I couldn’t save “us”. Because “us” doesn’t exist anymore. I have to learn how to be “me” again. Not alone. Just without you.
It’s hard to get that feeling of being “alone” out of your system. We’re born alone & we die alone. So we spend our lives trying to surround ourselves with ppl to mask the inevitable feeling that always comes back. Because sooner or later, we end up on our own again. No matter how hard we try, it’s impossible to have someone there 24/7. Once you accept it though, being alone stops being so scary. It stops hurting so much. It just becomes…a part of things. A comforting thing to rely on. It gives you a place to discover yourself & your thoughts. The more you fight it, the more alone you’ll become. So it’s best just to give in. But don’t let it consume you.